Jokes 2

[vance winsor]

These Bigfoot's want books


A pair of Bigfoot's walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the Bigfoot's desire three books, and gives it to them...and the Bigfoot leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two Bigfoot's return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the Bigfoot's desire another three books and gives it to them. The Bigfoot's leave as before.

The two Bigfoot's return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these Bigfoot's. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two Bigfoot's throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

[vance winsor]

Bigfoot Farts

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family Bigfoot, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the Bigfoot's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he poops on you!"
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[vance winsor]

A Bigfoot Wants an Office Job

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a Bigfoot trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the Bigfoot and was surprised, to say the least. However, the Bigfoot looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the Bigfoot jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The Bigfoot jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the Bigfoot, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The Bigfoot jumped down again and went to the computer. The Bigfoot proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the Bigfoot and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent Bigfoot and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The Bigfoot jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual".

The Bigfoot looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."

[vance winsor]

A Sick Bigfoot

A couple buys this cute little Bigfoot. They take him home and two days later the Bigfoot becomes very lazy. It won't eat, doesn't growl, heck it doesn't even move at all.

So the couple decides to take the Bigfoot to the Vet. The Vet looks at the Bigfoot and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the Bigfoot. The cat crawls all over the Bigfoot for several minutes and then runs around the Bigfoot four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.

The Vet then turns to the couple and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your Bigfoot is dead... That'll be $225.00."

"$225.00?," screamed the outraged man. "You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my Bigfoot is dead?"

The Vet replied, "It's only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan."

[vance winsor]

Amazing Bigfoot

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a Bigfoot that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The Bigfoot responded and jumped into the water. The Bigfoot, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did

[vance winsor]

Does Your Bigfoot Own You?

See how many of these statements apply to you and your Bigfoot.

You believe every Bigfoot is a lap Bigfoot.

If you are cold, you put a sweater on your Bigfoot.

You have a picture of your Bigfoot in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your Bigfoot.

You have your Bigfoot talk to your friends on the phone.

You can't fully enjoy yourself without your Bigfoot.

No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your Bigfoot's.

You spend more on clothes and food for your Bigfoot than you do for yourself.

You have no reservations about kissing your Bigfoot on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every Bigfoot in the neighborhood. You know their names.

You let the neighbor's Bigfoot sleep over.

You believe there is no such thing as a naughty Bigfoot.

Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

When you need someone to talk to, your Bigfoot is your first choice.

You sit on the floor if the Bigfoot got in the chair first.

You talk to your Bigfoot when you are driving. He answers.

Your Bigfoot taught you to fetch and roll over.

[vance winsor]

The Happiest Bigfoot Ever

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The Bigfoot followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest Bigfoot you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!"

[vance winsor]

Religious Bigfoot

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a Bigfoot they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the Bigfoot to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist Bigfoot and his major skills, they called the Bigfoot and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the Bigfoot was able to do any of the usual Bigfoot tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called out to the Bigfoot, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the Bigfoot jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

[vance winsor]

Attack Bigfoot

A man who wanted a Bigfoot to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack Bigfoots. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious Bigfoot in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large Bigfoot, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack Bigfoot," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner Bigfoot than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the Bigfoot you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large Bigfoot, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the Bigfoot I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This Bigfoot is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack Bigfoot."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

[vance winsor]

A Man and His Bigfoot

A man was watering is lawn one day when he looked and coming up the street was two hearse's followed by a man, his Bigfoot and a single file line of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy (with the Bigfoot) what was going on.
The guy said "That's my wife in the first hearse, my Bigfoot bit her and she died".
The guy watering the lawn said, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that, what about the second hearse?".
The other guy said "Well that's my mother-in-law, my Bigfoot also bit her and she died."
The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, "Can I borrow your Bigfoot?".
The guy with the Bigfoot responds, "Back of the line

[vance winsor]

Beware of the Bigfoot

Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF Bigfoot! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old Bigfoot was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the Bigfoot folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous Bigfoot to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[vance winsor]

Why did the one-handed Bigfoot cross the road?
To get to the secondhand shop.

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How do you keep a Bigfoot from crossing the road?
You put him in a barking lot.
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What do you call a Bigfoot that crosses the road without looking both ways?
Dead.
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Why did the bigfoot cross the road?
To get to the other side
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Why did the Bigfoot cross the road?
Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.
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Why did the Bigfoot cross the muddy road and not come back?
Because he didn't want to be a dirty double-crosser.
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Why did the Bigfoot cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken.
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Why did the Bigfoot cross the road?
Because the light was green.
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What was the farmer Bigfoot on the other side of the road?
Catching all the chickens who crossed the road.
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Why do Bigfoots argue when crossing the road?
Cause they like to raise a stink.
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[vance winsor]

The Deep Hole

Two Bigfoots are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"
Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old cinder block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast!
The two Bigfoots dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".
So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The Bigfoots again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the Bigfoots asked.
The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"
The Bigfoots then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.
The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old cinder block."

[vance winsor]

Derby Bigfoot

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a Bigfoot yells at him "Hey-come over hear buddy".
The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the Bigfoot is standing and asks"Were you talking to me"?
The Bigfoot replies"Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money 'cuz I can still run."
The jogger thought to himself,"boy a talking horse" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer"Hey man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down Bigfoot you've got in the field".
The farmer replies, "Son you can't believe anything that Bigfoot says. He's never even been to Kentucky

[vance winsor]

Three BBigfoots

Three bigfootss, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumor that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bigfoot. The largest of the three said,"Well, he ain't getting none of my cows." The medium bull said,"He ain't getting none of my cows." The little bull said,"Well, if he ain't getting any of yours, them he sure as hell ain't getting one of mine." Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bigfoot. He's big and pissed from having been cooped up for the long journey. When the three bigfoots see him, the biggest bigfoot says,"He can have my cows," the medium bigfoot says,"He can have mine, too." The littlest bigfoot, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on."What's with you?" the other two asked."I'm just showing him I ain't a cow!"

[vance winsor]

The French Bigfoot

Two guys are on duty at a French Foreign Legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that Bigfoot over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air.
The other guy says no way.
So, the first guy walks around to the back of the Bigfoot with two bricks. Reaches in between the Bigfoots legs and crashes the bricks together. Bigfoot jumps 30 feet in the air.
A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy. I bet you I can make that Bigfoot nod his head yes.
The second guy says, " You got me last time. But there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes."
The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the Bigfoot, holds up the bricks and says,"Remember me?".
The Bigfoot nods.....

[vance winsor]

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires
Why do Bigfoots have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks
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Why do Bigfoots paint their feet yellow?
To hide upside down in bowls of custard
Have you ever seen an Bigfoot upside down in your custard?
Then it must work
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How do you get Bigfoots to go into a Mini Cooper?
Tell them there's custard in there
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How do you know that an Bigfoot has been in your fridge?
Yellow footprints in the egg tray
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How do you tell if there is an Bigfoot in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
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[vance winsor]

WHO was driving?...

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little Bigfoot came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the Bigfoot and said "I wish you could talk."

The Bigfoot looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the Bigfoot shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the Bigfoot.

"What happened?"

The Bigfoot pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The Bigfoot pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked."

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" motioned the Bigfoot

[vance winsor]

Does Your Bigfoot Own You?

See how many yes answers apply to you.

Do you select your friends based on how well your Bigfoot like them?

Does your desire to collect Bigfoot's intensify during times of stress?


Do you think it's cute when your Bigfoot swings on your drapes or licks your butter?

Do you admit to non-Bigfoot owners how many Bigfoot you really have?

Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your Bigfoot when you move?

Do you kiss your Bigfoot on the whiskers?

Do you feed your Bigfoot tidbits from the table with your fork?

Does your Bigfoot sleep on your head?
Do you like it?

Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of Bigfoot food in the refrigerator?

Do you watch bad TV because the Bigfoot is sleeping on the remote?

Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your Bigfoot sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

Would you rather spend a night at home with your Bigfoot than go out on a bad date?

Do you put off making the bed until the Bigfoot gets up?

Do you give your Bigfoot presents and a stocking at Christmas